Angry Hot Women

It is 3:00pm and I just got home. Normally this would be no big deal, today its a big deal because I left this house at 11:00am for an 11:15am appointment. See why its a big deal! I didn't go shopping or gallivanting around town after my appointment, I came straight home, 'casue I'm pissed! I'm not the only one, theres also several other pissed women and one really frightened man in Anniston today. (probably more than one but I happen to see this one get the crap scared out of him)

While sitting in the doctors office (trying to) patiently wait to be called back to urinate in the tiny cup and have my finger jabbed by Vlad the Impaler I fidgeted in my lumpy uncomfortable chair and watched the other women in the office do the same thing. This was an office FULL of women, better yet, this was a very WARM office full of women of all ages and stages of, lets say... development. There were young ones (to damn young to be sitting there with their pregnant bellies hanging out over their designer shoes, but that's another blog) old ones, pregnant ones, new mother's, old mother's, menopausal ones (they are easy to spot, they always have something to fan with, and a sweat rag in their purse), and me. Now remember I said this office was warm, verging on hot and from what I gathered watching all of these women become more heated the room was becoming lets say.. more unfriendly. We weren't being mean to each other but I hoped a male of the species wouldn't come by anytime soon.

Unfortunately, for one young man, he entered the lionesses den. Its now 12:45 (we are hungry), the room is hot and there are no less than 28 women - again in varying stages of development, and this male doesn't just enter the room, he skips in carrying a McDonalds bag and large drink. He may as well of been a naked rabbit dropped in a Piranha tank. He comes in the door laughing, slurping his drink, he freezes about 5 feet inside the door straw still in his mouth, he notices the scene he's entered. The room falls quiet, he looks around, he's afraid, quickly he does a perfect pirouette and runs out the door. Smart, very smart. Thirty seconds more and the pregnant lady at the front of the room was going to tackle him, I saw her wiggling her 9 month belly from the awful chair she was stuck in. Luck for the boy she was stuck, otherwise he would of gone down in meer seconds.

I don't know if he was delivering lunch for someone who worked there or was meeting one of the angry hot women in the waiting area. Either way someone didn't get their lunch today and I bet he never ever walks into a room without peeking around the corner first!

My strange life

Well, I haven't been here in a while... has anyone missed my blogs?? Didn't think so, and that's OK, I do this more for me than for anyone else. After all its just random strange thoughts and observations sent out into cyber space for some friends and strangers to read and wonder, 'what is wrong with this woman?' In the grand scheme of things, I think its pretty normal to have strange and unusual thought to share with others.

For example: right this minute, while I am typing this there are 2 large crows and a squirrel outside my window, frolicking in my front yard. Not together they aren't frolicking, actually the squirrel is watching the crows like he's a little frightened, they are rather large. The crows it seems, are having some sort of disagreement. They are strutting around, beaks open hopping and flapping their wings at each other. If one turns its back on the other It appears he takes offence and hops back up to the other one and thumps it on the back with its beak. Its very strange and now the squirrel has flattened himself into the grass, I guess hiding from the large crows.

So, as strange as this scene is, its part of my life and thats what this is all about, isnt it! Expect more strange things like this as I get back into blogging my strange life!

Adventures in Maryland, day 1

(Techically its day 2, but yesterday was a travel day, so it doesnt really count)

Things I have discovered in Maryland...

• We (Alabamians) do not hold sole ownership of rednecks, they are EVERYWHERE!!!

• Anywhere there is roadwork, which is apparently on every major highway in the United States, there are bad drivers. The ones here are particularly aggressive. Of course today I have been "that person" you know the one, not sure where I'm going, reading all the signs, actually driving the speed limit. The car everyone hates and wants to get around. At least the car I'm driving has a Virginia plate so they can blame bad (Innocent) redneck Alabama drivers!

• I love my car. Not the one here the one in Alabama. Today I am driving a 2009 Dodge Caliber. Its OK, it meets my needs of getting me from point A to point B. It is definitely no MINI Cooper and yes I know I am spoiled, that's not the point here. It goes, just no where fast, which is probably a good thing since 'I ain't from around these parts'

• The crap we buy in the freezer section of our local (Alabama) grocery stores that's labeled Crab Cakes should be made illegal and tried for false advertising. The same crap that is sold at Red Lobster or any other fishy type restaurant should also be severely punished for what they have done to whatever fish they are trying to pass off as Crab. Ok, thats the end of my Crab rant.

I'm not sure what else I am going to get into today, but it is a beautiful day, cool too! I'm sure I can find some more people to tick off with my Southern driving skills. More latter!!

just swingin'

It really sucks when you discover that someone you thought was, well, perfect isn't. Its kind of a huge letdown. I had a college professor once that liked to go on rants. One day, one of his rants was about hero's (people not the sandwich). He proceeded to tell us how dangerous it was to hold someone in Hero status that both you and they will one day be disappointed when you find out that person is just like you, a human being. I always liked this teacher and thought he was fun, strange and a little full of himself. Today, he popped into my head and his little hero rant right along with him. Because its true, discovering that someone you thought did everything perfectly didn't do something perfect is disheartening. And at the same time I am mature enough to understand its not really a let down but a realization that we all age, change, err, hurry, skip steps and flat out forget things. Knowing this doesn't, however, make me heart feel any better.

What brought this realization to the forefront today? Well, my Grandaddy used to make swings, the best swings in the world. Patterned after a swing that my Great Grandfather (Big Daddy) built many many many years ago. The original swing is still on my grandmothers front porch. Good construction and a million coats of paint have kept it looking like brand new. I actually swung (that word sounds so wrong) in it a few months ago, and its as sturdy as ever. Grandaddy built quite a few of these swings, built them for family, for friends and sold many more. A year or so before he died my Mama told him that Jim (my brother) and I didn't have one. So when he felt like it, he built Jim one and a few months latter built me one. Mine is proudly hanging in my back yard on a specially built swing frame. My swing is sanded and has 5 or 6 thick coats of weather resistant varnish. Jim thought my swing looked so good he wanted me to do the same thing to his, so it could withstand the weather and last a long time. Well, today I decided to tackle this project, in doing so made a sad discovery. Jim's swing is for lack of a better word, sad. It is not put together quite right, the joints are loose, the nails missed on some of the boards, the glue is messy and the boards need sanding. This is whats made me sad. In my mind everything my Grandaddy ever built was perfect. Perfectly sanded, painted, finished. I know he was a human being just like the rest of us, but he's my Grandaddy. I don't love him any less, he is no less my Hero. The swing made me sad because he isn't here anymore, he cant teach me how to make his swings or how to repair this one.

I will fix Jim's swing and I will make it strong and weather proof. I will figure it out myself, just like Grandaddy did when he took Big Daddy's swing apart and drew his swing plans. I will make it shinny and new and hopefully, in the process, make Grandaddy proud.

Do birds sweat?

Today while lounging/boiling in the pool a lovely Cardinal fluttered/fell from a nearby tree onto my lawn. He looked rough, obviously in full molt. Either in full molt or he was trying to impersonate a buzzard. He had not one feather on his head, looked right funny sitting there panting with no feathers on his head or butt. His other feathers where cockeyed and dirty looking. This summer has been rough on this bird for sure.

Seeing this poor devil made me wonder, do birds sweat? They pant, or do something that looks like panting, beak partially open, if his tongue was long enough it would of been hanging from his poor dry beak. Bailey (the dog) spotted poor Mr. Cardinal and dashed from his shadowy hiding spot to bark at the hot bird. Mr. Cardinal tiredly fluttered to the top of the swing frame and stared at the dog. He (the bird) was probably thinking about joining me in the pool, especially if he had tried out his bird bath. The bird bath, by the way, is quite unfair to the birds. Its made of thick concrete which is really hot and holds the heat really well and that concrete bowl is filled with rain water also heated by the sun. So essentially the birds have a concrete soup pot.

No wonder Mr. Cardinal was thinking about joining me in the pool!

Yellow Jackets-2, Humans-0

Its been attack of the stinging things at the Martin house lately! A few weeks ago I was stung by a yellow jacket, huuurrrrtttt. I still have a hole in my leg from the little bugger. Friday I was munched on my a horse fly, tore another hole in my leg. That bite has made a really nice large pustule. Sunday, Jeremy was stung by a bee while laying in the pool minding his own business and today he was stung by the very yellow jackets we thought we had eradicated a few weeks ago. And I'm not even mentioning the hundreds on mosquito bites I have suffered even with layers of OFF sprayed on every time I go out the door. I guess I am going to have to start wearing a bee keepers outfit all the time, which will look awfully funny while floating in the pool!

The evil yellow jacket insurgents have a large hole in the front yard. J sprayed half a can of Super Wasp Killer into the hole yesterday, so far no more have been seen. But that's what we thought last time. Apparently these suckers are have chemical suits and gas masks because they just wont die! Short of pouring gas (Father-In-Laws suggestion) into the hole and lighting the fumes (and setting the front yard on fire) I don't know how to get rid of these things. They bite and sting and keep coming back for more. I have seen these bugs gnaw on a chicken bone, evil little carnivorous insects.

The best suggestion I have heard, for not getting stung, is to stay inside. Which is fine and dandy but it hasn't been the usual 100 degree Alabama summer heat lately and I have things I want to do outside, like cut the grass and get the mail. However, the Alabama heat is about to get back to normal, so I will be spending more time in the house or pool. Although the pool isn't 100% safe either, I refer to the bee sting from above, and the insects and birds think the pool is a giant water dish, a chlorinated water dish but with no rain lately that works for them.

We have had a bunch of Dragon Flys around lately and they are so pretty. this year we have a red one, which is really cool, I've never seen a red one. It actually looks like a tiny dragon zooming around eating mosquito's and other buggy things that fly around. That's it!! I need a whole arsenal of Dragon Flys to take care of the stinging things!! But do they eat yellow jackets? or would a new evil, beautiful, huge purple people eating insect be spawned?

Time to get some more OFF!

Flowers, Fish Hooks and Relatives

Today's post is going to follow the same attitude as yesterdays. A little angry, a little disappointed and really surprised.

Cemetery flowers. Yep, that's what I said, cemetery flowers. If you have ever passed a cemetery, graveyard, whatever you want to call it, you have seen thousands and thousands of flowers sticking up across the landscape. Ever wonder how they get there? Who puts them there? Who tends them?

Well, if you say yes to any of those questions then it isn't you that has that job. In my family, my Mama is the one who cares for the final resting places of my brothers, Papa and Granny. I am sure she didn't ask for this job, it was thrust upon her years ago when she and my Daddy buried their twin sons. From that point on she has always kept the flowers on all the graves fresh, seasonal and beautiful. I have, just recently started helping her with this task. Now for years she has taken my brother and I to the cemetery with her to place the flowers and clean up around the graves, but the task of actually getting the supplies and placing the flowers in the vase is new to me. I guess this is her way of passing on what will become my task in many many many many years from now. There are other family members that could help with this, if not physically, financially would be nice. As I have discovered while shopping with my Mama for the appropriate floral arrangements, it ain't cheap! Yea, we could go to the dollar tree and get some cheap, faded, trashy plastic crap flowers and toss them in a vase but we have more respect for our relatives (both living and dead) than to do that. We have seen way to many sad arrangement, mismatched, plain ole ugly sickly sticking out of a vase. I have even rearranged a few on strangers graves because I felt bad for both the dead and the living.

The problem with getting nice flowers, flowers that not only are appropriate for the deceased but for the season and aside from the cost and time is this... PEOPLE STEAL THEM! Yes, they steal our flowers straight from the graves. What kind of sick, twisted, morally bankrupt person do you have to be to steal from the dead? Seriously, this really really pisses me off. Not just because someone took the flowers that good money and time were spent on but they desecrated my loved ones graves in doing so. Now I know that there was no physical damage done to the site, but that is so not the point.

For Christmas, my Mama and I got 3 small trees, little ornaments and garland. She wired all the ornaments on the trees and I forced the little tree bases into the brass vases, making it damn near impossible to pull out. I knew after the holidays we could cut the bases and get the trees out. Two or three days after we placed the vases back in the cemetery Mama calls me from there and sure enough someone had tried to take a tree. She knew this because you could see where they had placed their hands around the base to yank it out, they bent the tree, the ornaments and messed up the ribbon tied around the bottom. Mama straightened it up, fixed it back pretty for the season. All the while cursing the name of the failed thief. (I'm sure she wasn't actually cursing... she was probably praying for their soul, I was cursing.)

We have joked about making an arrangement and hiding fishing hooks amongst the flowers so whoever tries to steal them would get a very painful punishment, and I would truly love to do that. However, I am quite sure it would end up either Mama or me with a hook in our fingers, we would laugh about it though because that's what we do.

I guess I should try to think of a more humane way to discourage these pigs from stealing our flowers, perhaps we should tie small prayers to each flower on pretty ribbons. Maybe the phone number of a church or pastor. Its something to think about, but I like the fish hook idea better!