Saturday, January 5, 2008

I've been thinking...

Oh, God, shes been thinking..... yea everyone should worry.

Really, I have been thinking, about one thing - well person, especially hard lately. This time I am not going to mention names, because I do not want to hurt, embarrass, piss off, or generally mess with this one. I'm very concerned about this one, they have been through a really hard time lately, bad relationships, lost lots of stuff, money and missing the kids. A devoted parent who has done everything for the kiddys and has an evil X that has turned one against the other. The One hurts, doesnt talk about it much, goes away on long bouts alone.

Which maybe I'm not so worried about that - as jealous. Sometimes I dream about running away to the woods, hiding in a tent listening to the sounds of the forest. Of course I would probably scare the hell out of myself imagining what might be coming to get me. Although I am not as afraid as i used to be (topic for latter). I enjoy being alone, listening to whats going on around me, breathing in the cool, clean forest air. Sitting on a rock watching ants crawl, birds fly and squirrels trying to find their nuts. Learning to be still, this sounds crazy and I thought it was the first time I heard someone say it. But learning to be still is hard. This isnt the point of this, really.

My original point is someone else. I want this person to know how much I care, that when I say they are welcome ANYTIME, I mean it, I'm not just saying it to be nice. I dont do that, if I say it I mean it. If I tell you I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time, I'll be there. If I dont show something has happened and you better call someone. If I say I Love You, I mean it, I feel it, it means something to me. If I say you can crash at my house or come over anytime I mean anytime, day or night, 2am, 5pm whatever. Call be crazy but I need to be needed, maybe its the frustrated Southern Mama in me, everyone needs hugs, kisses and more food.

This thing is going everywhere today. Sorry, I cant seem to stick to one point, one subject - feeling, but scrambled.

I want this one person to know they have a home, a family, friends who care and would do anything for them. I'll listen if you want to talk, I'll mix drinks, I'll hold the barf can. I'll cook you all the cow you want AND will leave you alone. Just please know I care, you are not alone in this strange place we live.

If you , thats everyone, havent noticed, I do not live or lead a "typical" life. I do not follow the rules of engagement. I have learned to break away from what is/was "expected" and write new rules for myself, and that includes how I feel about my friends and how I interact with them. This confuses and confounds some people, so what, you have a question about me and what I'm doing, ask. If I'm being pushy, tell me, I might get mad or even cry, but I'm a big girl, I can handle it. We all have things happen to us, we all have pain and hurts of different shapes and sizes, we all handle these things in our own way. But know something, just because I don't have children, this doesn't mean I do not understand problems and/or feeling you may be having with yours. Just because I am smiling this doesn't mean theres no pain or hurt there. Just because I dye my hair red doesnt mean I dont have blond moments....

So my friend, i really hope you read this, which I am sure you wont, maybe I'll send it to you, maybe I wont. There are a hundred "word of wisdom" that apply here, they all mean squat! I'm learning to listen to my body, mind and spirit (and the voices, but thats for another time). I hope you are too, come back from wherever you are, refreshed and know you are loved, maybe not by whom you want, how you want, but you mean a lot to me and mine.

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