My hubby was out of town for 2 days this week. I missed him. He's home safe and sound now and I'm happy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my time alone, I don't mind being alone at all, I just missed knowing he was near. I think we are a strange and unique couple, we still like each other, still enjoy doing things together, still like to hold hands and kiss. While he was gone, i called to tell him I missed him and wanted a kiss, he sweetly said 'awww you want a kiss?' Someone overheard this conversation and made the statement 'Its only been 1 day'.... One Day! One day could be a lifetime, one day could be the start of something or the end. That one day comment rubbed me the wrong way. My friend Jen pointed out it was said out of jealousy, I think shes right!

This year is our 15th anniversary, about 17 years all together. Long time and we've had some ups and downs, some really good fights and really good make ups! More than once one or both of us has walked out on the other one, for a brief time but we always come back to each other. We have grown together know and respect each other. He lets me be me, never hampers me in any way. If I'm being loud and flirty at a party, he lets me play, he knows I'm going home with him! If I want to sit for hours playing with my computer, he's fine with that. Same with him, he loves, LOVES his PS3, he's been playing all day today. I know he loves video games, I don't get upset when he plays for long periods of time because its something he really enjoys and if I need him for something, he will pause the game, do it and go back to playing, and I'm ok with that.

Maybe thats why we still like each other, we understand the needs of the other person. I'm not his maid, hes not my handyman. I'm not his cook and I don't volunteer him for things. We take care of our house together, we do chores together, I have certain things I do well and he has things he does well. He's neurotic about the floors, so he does floors. I don't like whites turned pink or slightly blue, so I do laundry. It just works for us.

Maybe another reason we still like each other, we don't have kids. Now we would absolutely love to have a baby and would be delighted if we did - BUT we don't. Its just us oh, and our zoo, but thats another blog. So if he wants to play video games in his underwear, he does. If I want to run around naked I can, that usually leads to something else, which is great too cause theres no one here but us!

today I was thinking about what I wanted to blog tonight. Yes, I think about stuff to write all day long, sometimes I actually write, like on paper with a pencil. I know, tis isnt done much anymore!

Anyway, I can tell you, right now, this is going to go all over the place, my thoughts are scattered tonight. Why? I am tired, physically tired. This is so much more satisfying than my usual mental tiredness of the day to day work crap. This tired is brought to us today by Mr. Mountain Bike. Today i went riding in the woods. and I made it out without loosing any blood! first time for that. another first, I made it through Marks Loop (one of my bike trails) without stopping at all, anywhere, no stops, no rests, nothing. Now this isn't a phenomenon by any means, people do it all the time. Even in my top shape I couldn't do it without stopping at least for a second. Today I did it, fast. I made another trail without stopping too! I dont stop as in quitting, just resting, catching my breath, most of the time I stop so i can stopping the bleeding, because I wrecked.

I almost wrecked, it wasn't totally my fault. the tree moved. yes it did! Like the trees in the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy finds the Tin Man. It moved! It wasn't unprovoked, I did cut too close, my elbow rubbed some of the bark off and the tree poked me in the ear with a small limb. In my ear, that was a tad startling. made me laugh though. Jeremy was ahead of me so he didn't witness the moving tree. But it did move!

I also think the squirrels were watching us. They were probably thinking, 'Oh my God, would you look at that. Better get the AED (automatic electro difibulator) this one isnt going to make it, look at her!' Damn squirrels. at least all the snakes are asleep, dont have to worry about them. Not that they would directly hurt me, they would make me hurt myself running/ridding away! I totally respect all the critters that have been here long before me. Snakes, sharks, bears, stupid people. I will not try to kill ANYTHING. I have seen quite a few snakes in my own back yard, people always ask, when I speak of them 'did you kill it'. No I didnt kill it, I ran one way, it went the other. That would require me getting close to it, close enough to inflict harm and if I am close enough to it for that, it is close enough to me for the same!

i warned you this blog was going to be scrambled!

Back to the bike. I love to bike on the road, well on Ladiga trail (rails to trails, trail). I dont have a road bike, yet, I ride my Mountain bike there. i guess I love the road because I can go fast, at a steady pace and can zone out. Just let go, pedal and breath. I plug into my pod and go, before I know it I've gone 20 or so miles, i love it. I hope to be able to ride 100 miles in one day this year. I know this is a crazy goal, but its mine and i'm going to do it. Jeremy prefers the woods, I love riding in the woods too, i just love the road more. I can ride the road by myself, if Jeremy cant go. i dont ride in the woods alone though, lions and tigers and bears and oh yea, snakes! Jeremy rides in the woods alone but he's, well a guy and the snakes don't bother him.

Ive always loved my bicycle, it was the only way to get around as a kid. The only way mama could punish me as a child, was to take my bike away. Sending me to my room wasnt punishment, I liked going there to read or draw. I didnt have a TV or phone and didnt miss it. But my bike was my freedom, to ride as fast as I could, the wind in my face. Maybe thats why i love riding on the road so much now, the wind in my face takes me back to my childhood. When life was easy, no worries, no bills, Mama and Daddy loved you and tucked you in, home by dark time, supper was on the table, my bed was always warm and... my bike was always there.

flowers

I love flowers, growing them, smelling them, getting them. My sweet husband brings me flowers, for no reason - all the time. Not because he's in trouble, or we fought, not because its Valentines day or my birthday. Not because I have had a bad day (although he has for that reason), maybe because HE had a bad day. But for no reason at all!

He brought me flowers today, big beautiful daisy's. I love daisy's they are my very favorite flower. Yellow ones and white ones. They are happy flowers, they practically smile at you! I think I like them because they are related to dandelions, another happy flower, a weed yes but a happy weed!

My hubby doesn't need a scheduled calendar day, like Valentines Day, to be forcefully reminded to buy me flowers, I wouldn't want them if that was the case, yes I know I am lucky. He knows they make me smile. So he gets me smiling flowers!

worried

well i didnt know i was actually worried till i saw the afore mentioned The One. well i was worried i had offended The One with a previous blog, i didnt offend, thank God. I dont usually worry about much, so this surprised me!

its funny how you start thinking about things you have said or didnt say, body language and such. and how very important things become. life changes so fast. you can see it sometimes, slipping right through your fingers. you cant stop it, like sand, slipping away, to collect on the ground at your feet, or wash away in the surf.

sometimes, someones arms wraped around you, although briefly can pull you back from something dark, well unknown, maybe not dark but mysterious.

thank you JC for checking on me today, it really, really meant a lot to know you were not only reading me but worried about me! I'm sorry if I have worried you, thats not my intention. this (blogs) gives me a chance to get some stuff out of my head and also gives me a chance to tell some folks how i feel, without fear of being pushed away or rebuffed, rejected of refused. i do wish some of you would respond, you know who you are. i'm not sure how but something.

this blog has no point, except to say thank you to JC and The One. thank you really doesnt say enough. nothing does. friends, i love you. good night

I've been thinking...

Oh, God, shes been thinking..... yea everyone should worry.

Really, I have been thinking, about one thing - well person, especially hard lately. This time I am not going to mention names, because I do not want to hurt, embarrass, piss off, or generally mess with this one. I'm very concerned about this one, they have been through a really hard time lately, bad relationships, lost lots of stuff, money and missing the kids. A devoted parent who has done everything for the kiddys and has an evil X that has turned one against the other. The One hurts, doesnt talk about it much, goes away on long bouts alone.

Which maybe I'm not so worried about that - as jealous. Sometimes I dream about running away to the woods, hiding in a tent listening to the sounds of the forest. Of course I would probably scare the hell out of myself imagining what might be coming to get me. Although I am not as afraid as i used to be (topic for latter). I enjoy being alone, listening to whats going on around me, breathing in the cool, clean forest air. Sitting on a rock watching ants crawl, birds fly and squirrels trying to find their nuts. Learning to be still, this sounds crazy and I thought it was the first time I heard someone say it. But learning to be still is hard. This isnt the point of this, really.

My original point is someone else. I want this person to know how much I care, that when I say they are welcome ANYTIME, I mean it, I'm not just saying it to be nice. I dont do that, if I say it I mean it. If I tell you I'm going to be somewhere at a certain time, I'll be there. If I dont show something has happened and you better call someone. If I say I Love You, I mean it, I feel it, it means something to me. If I say you can crash at my house or come over anytime I mean anytime, day or night, 2am, 5pm whatever. Call be crazy but I need to be needed, maybe its the frustrated Southern Mama in me, everyone needs hugs, kisses and more food.

This thing is going everywhere today. Sorry, I cant seem to stick to one point, one subject - feeling, but scrambled.

I want this one person to know they have a home, a family, friends who care and would do anything for them. I'll listen if you want to talk, I'll mix drinks, I'll hold the barf can. I'll cook you all the cow you want AND will leave you alone. Just please know I care, you are not alone in this strange place we live.

If you , thats everyone, havent noticed, I do not live or lead a "typical" life. I do not follow the rules of engagement. I have learned to break away from what is/was "expected" and write new rules for myself, and that includes how I feel about my friends and how I interact with them. This confuses and confounds some people, so what, you have a question about me and what I'm doing, ask. If I'm being pushy, tell me, I might get mad or even cry, but I'm a big girl, I can handle it. We all have things happen to us, we all have pain and hurts of different shapes and sizes, we all handle these things in our own way. But know something, just because I don't have children, this doesn't mean I do not understand problems and/or feeling you may be having with yours. Just because I am smiling this doesn't mean theres no pain or hurt there. Just because I dye my hair red doesnt mean I dont have blond moments....

So my friend, i really hope you read this, which I am sure you wont, maybe I'll send it to you, maybe I wont. There are a hundred "word of wisdom" that apply here, they all mean squat! I'm learning to listen to my body, mind and spirit (and the voices, but thats for another time). I hope you are too, come back from wherever you are, refreshed and know you are loved, maybe not by whom you want, how you want, but you mean a lot to me and mine.