Bell, Why is there Paint on the Cat?

Jeremy calls me Bell, he's called me that for almost 20 years. I'm not sure exactly where it came from, his mother claims she called me Bell first when J and I started dating. She thought i was a Southern Bell.. HA, she's not from these parts and didn't know me very well... Anyway, the name stuck and I like it. Its usually Lori Bell or just Bell, if he calls me just Lori then he's hurt (physically like, hit himself in the shin with the machete hurt - it was dull), pissed or confused. Some of his work cohorts thought my real name was Bell and still some others that apparently couldn't hear very well thought he was calling me Bill. I learned this when I went to see J when he worked at a particularly disgusting job and factory (that will remain nameless, but they process chickens...) I walked in and this gentleman said, "Hey Bill!" and walked off, I thought he was talking to someone else until J came to the office laughing, when he finally controls himself he says, "JT came out and said Bill was here, I asked him who Bill was and JT said, well, your wife. Hey I always wondered why do you call her Bill? She doesn't look like a Bill..."Well you can imagine the laughter that ensued after that, and everyone there called me Bill for the rest of Jeremy's tenure.

Maurice the Guilty Cat

But I digress, back to the paint. When I paint, I get paint everywhere. I open the can of paint and I will get some on me, I can walk down the paint isle at Lowe's and get paint on me, if I have a paint brush in my hand there will be paint on my hand, legs, arms, in my hair and apparently the surrounding wildlife too. I also got some one the floor, stepped in it and tracked it all over the bathroom. As I was painting the trim Maurice (cat #4) comes in to check out whats happening and being curious proceeds to sniff, very closely the paint tray getting paint on his nose. You would think this would make him scamper away but not Maurice, now he's really curious and decides to stretch up the freshly painted trim piece leaving pretty little kitty prints in my paint and all over the bathroom floor (That's when I discovered my own tracks on the floor). Maurice runs from the bathroom and down the hall, he's easy to track, yep white foot prints down my hardwood hall.

At this point Jeremy joins in the chase but ops to clean up the prints before they dry. I am under the kitchen table trying to catch the cat who thinks we are playing a new game, he runs back to the hall where J is and I hear, "Well, Maurice you have paint on your feet and WOW, on your face too... Bell, why is there paint on the cat???" I don't know what to say at this point, I stomp by both Maurice and Jeremy and go back to painting the bathroom, the cat can hang out with him and show him first hand how he got paint on his face. If he comes back into the bathroom with me I'm going to use him to finish painting the walls!

I'm talking about the cat... of course ;)

I'm Baaaaaacckkkkkk!
again...


Hi! I am sorry I have been missing for awhile, well like a year, but Im back!
I have several reasons for going missing, some are not very good, but they are my reasons and Im sticking to them.

1. I didnt think I had anything interesting to say.
2. I got busy with the mundane and let it become mundane.
3. Several of my good friends moved away in the last 2 years and it made me sad.
4. I threw myself into several projects that took over everything, and I liked it.
5. And finally ad most importantly, my Google account was hacked and I couldn't log into my blog until I jumped though several internet hoops, so Im back and yall, all 5 of you are stuck with me! ;)

I have been wanting to really get back into my blog, or as some call it my public diary, just so I can keep track of everything thats happened and going to happen over the next 4 to 5 months. This time period is going to be HUGE for me and my family and its something I have never done before, so I am sure it is going to be full of interesting incidents.

Another reason I have wanted to come back to blogging, I have been inspired by http://lorcadamon.com/. I met her through Noble Street Festival meetings and such, her view of the world is awesome.

So I plan on dusting off the keyboard (which, those who know me well know it doesn't have a chance to get dusty as long as FB is up and running...) and start typing all the craziness thats starting to happen.

See you soon!

Angry Hot Women

It is 3:00pm and I just got home. Normally this would be no big deal, today its a big deal because I left this house at 11:00am for an 11:15am appointment. See why its a big deal! I didn't go shopping or gallivanting around town after my appointment, I came straight home, 'casue I'm pissed! I'm not the only one, theres also several other pissed women and one really frightened man in Anniston today. (probably more than one but I happen to see this one get the crap scared out of him)

While sitting in the doctors office (trying to) patiently wait to be called back to urinate in the tiny cup and have my finger jabbed by Vlad the Impaler I fidgeted in my lumpy uncomfortable chair and watched the other women in the office do the same thing. This was an office FULL of women, better yet, this was a very WARM office full of women of all ages and stages of, lets say... development. There were young ones (to damn young to be sitting there with their pregnant bellies hanging out over their designer shoes, but that's another blog) old ones, pregnant ones, new mother's, old mother's, menopausal ones (they are easy to spot, they always have something to fan with, and a sweat rag in their purse), and me. Now remember I said this office was warm, verging on hot and from what I gathered watching all of these women become more heated the room was becoming lets say.. more unfriendly. We weren't being mean to each other but I hoped a male of the species wouldn't come by anytime soon.

Unfortunately, for one young man, he entered the lionesses den. Its now 12:45 (we are hungry), the room is hot and there are no less than 28 women - again in varying stages of development, and this male doesn't just enter the room, he skips in carrying a McDonalds bag and large drink. He may as well of been a naked rabbit dropped in a Piranha tank. He comes in the door laughing, slurping his drink, he freezes about 5 feet inside the door straw still in his mouth, he notices the scene he's entered. The room falls quiet, he looks around, he's afraid, quickly he does a perfect pirouette and runs out the door. Smart, very smart. Thirty seconds more and the pregnant lady at the front of the room was going to tackle him, I saw her wiggling her 9 month belly from the awful chair she was stuck in. Luck for the boy she was stuck, otherwise he would of gone down in meer seconds.

I don't know if he was delivering lunch for someone who worked there or was meeting one of the angry hot women in the waiting area. Either way someone didn't get their lunch today and I bet he never ever walks into a room without peeking around the corner first!

My strange life

Well, I haven't been here in a while... has anyone missed my blogs?? Didn't think so, and that's OK, I do this more for me than for anyone else. After all its just random strange thoughts and observations sent out into cyber space for some friends and strangers to read and wonder, 'what is wrong with this woman?' In the grand scheme of things, I think its pretty normal to have strange and unusual thought to share with others.

For example: right this minute, while I am typing this there are 2 large crows and a squirrel outside my window, frolicking in my front yard. Not together they aren't frolicking, actually the squirrel is watching the crows like he's a little frightened, they are rather large. The crows it seems, are having some sort of disagreement. They are strutting around, beaks open hopping and flapping their wings at each other. If one turns its back on the other It appears he takes offence and hops back up to the other one and thumps it on the back with its beak. Its very strange and now the squirrel has flattened himself into the grass, I guess hiding from the large crows.

So, as strange as this scene is, its part of my life and thats what this is all about, isnt it! Expect more strange things like this as I get back into blogging my strange life!

Adventures in Maryland, day 1

(Techically its day 2, but yesterday was a travel day, so it doesnt really count)

Things I have discovered in Maryland...

• We (Alabamians) do not hold sole ownership of rednecks, they are EVERYWHERE!!!

• Anywhere there is roadwork, which is apparently on every major highway in the United States, there are bad drivers. The ones here are particularly aggressive. Of course today I have been "that person" you know the one, not sure where I'm going, reading all the signs, actually driving the speed limit. The car everyone hates and wants to get around. At least the car I'm driving has a Virginia plate so they can blame bad (Innocent) redneck Alabama drivers!

• I love my car. Not the one here the one in Alabama. Today I am driving a 2009 Dodge Caliber. Its OK, it meets my needs of getting me from point A to point B. It is definitely no MINI Cooper and yes I know I am spoiled, that's not the point here. It goes, just no where fast, which is probably a good thing since 'I ain't from around these parts'

• The crap we buy in the freezer section of our local (Alabama) grocery stores that's labeled Crab Cakes should be made illegal and tried for false advertising. The same crap that is sold at Red Lobster or any other fishy type restaurant should also be severely punished for what they have done to whatever fish they are trying to pass off as Crab. Ok, thats the end of my Crab rant.

I'm not sure what else I am going to get into today, but it is a beautiful day, cool too! I'm sure I can find some more people to tick off with my Southern driving skills. More latter!!

Do birds sweat?

Today while lounging/boiling in the pool a lovely Cardinal fluttered/fell from a nearby tree onto my lawn. He looked rough, obviously in full molt. Either in full molt or he was trying to impersonate a buzzard. He had not one feather on his head, looked right funny sitting there panting with no feathers on his head or butt. His other feathers where cockeyed and dirty looking. This summer has been rough on this bird for sure.

Seeing this poor devil made me wonder, do birds sweat? They pant, or do something that looks like panting, beak partially open, if his tongue was long enough it would of been hanging from his poor dry beak. Bailey (the dog) spotted poor Mr. Cardinal and dashed from his shadowy hiding spot to bark at the hot bird. Mr. Cardinal tiredly fluttered to the top of the swing frame and stared at the dog. He (the bird) was probably thinking about joining me in the pool, especially if he had tried out his bird bath. The bird bath, by the way, is quite unfair to the birds. Its made of thick concrete which is really hot and holds the heat really well and that concrete bowl is filled with rain water also heated by the sun. So essentially the birds have a concrete soup pot.

No wonder Mr. Cardinal was thinking about joining me in the pool!

Yellow Jackets-2, Humans-0

Its been attack of the stinging things at the Martin house lately! A few weeks ago I was stung by a yellow jacket, huuurrrrtttt. I still have a hole in my leg from the little bugger. Friday I was munched on my a horse fly, tore another hole in my leg. That bite has made a really nice large pustule. Sunday, Jeremy was stung by a bee while laying in the pool minding his own business and today he was stung by the very yellow jackets we thought we had eradicated a few weeks ago. And I'm not even mentioning the hundreds on mosquito bites I have suffered even with layers of OFF sprayed on every time I go out the door. I guess I am going to have to start wearing a bee keepers outfit all the time, which will look awfully funny while floating in the pool!

The evil yellow jacket insurgents have a large hole in the front yard. J sprayed half a can of Super Wasp Killer into the hole yesterday, so far no more have been seen. But that's what we thought last time. Apparently these suckers are have chemical suits and gas masks because they just wont die! Short of pouring gas (Father-In-Laws suggestion) into the hole and lighting the fumes (and setting the front yard on fire) I don't know how to get rid of these things. They bite and sting and keep coming back for more. I have seen these bugs gnaw on a chicken bone, evil little carnivorous insects.

The best suggestion I have heard, for not getting stung, is to stay inside. Which is fine and dandy but it hasn't been the usual 100 degree Alabama summer heat lately and I have things I want to do outside, like cut the grass and get the mail. However, the Alabama heat is about to get back to normal, so I will be spending more time in the house or pool. Although the pool isn't 100% safe either, I refer to the bee sting from above, and the insects and birds think the pool is a giant water dish, a chlorinated water dish but with no rain lately that works for them.

We have had a bunch of Dragon Flys around lately and they are so pretty. this year we have a red one, which is really cool, I've never seen a red one. It actually looks like a tiny dragon zooming around eating mosquito's and other buggy things that fly around. That's it!! I need a whole arsenal of Dragon Flys to take care of the stinging things!! But do they eat yellow jackets? or would a new evil, beautiful, huge purple people eating insect be spawned?

Time to get some more OFF!